This Quick Takes post is about getting back on track with my relationship with God.
Written on Thurs
1. I’ve kind of been feeling blah for several months but the cooler weather is here and I feel like I might be able to get back to where I really want to be overall, like before the whole hassle with moving. Part of it is that my faith etc has been weak (I made resolutions a couple times and have not been able to stick with them) and I’m hoping that will be able to at least start really improving this evening, as CCO is having the first event of the school year. They call it the Summit and they usually have confession, and I’ve been feeling like I need to do that for months now. Seems like the logical next step to getting back to where I want to be. I think I’ve also been struggling because I get very little alone time (sitting at my computer going through pictures while baby naps, really doesn’t count) and I feel I can only center myself when I have down time without DH’s parents around. I just can’t quiet the world to hear God’s voice most of the time because there’s too much going on.
I did have a moment a week or two ago when I was somehow able to quiet the world enough to remember that He is there whether I see Him or His effects or not. In a time when I didn’t really feel it, I was still able to look in my heart and just know the Truth, that God exists.
2. Baby is actually walking now. Wow, it’s hard to believe that when I read it! He’s not walking well, and especially not in shoes, but he’s letting go every chance he gets to try his luck. I saw a noticeable jump in progress on Tuesday. That was the first time I could tell, he wanted to walk. He had been taking 2 or 3 steps at a time that morning, which is usually more of an evening thing, but around lunch time he stood up at his high chair and took 7 careful steps towards me, and didn’t fall 
3. Yesterday DH and his parents went to Blandford and took baby. I stayed behind because I wanted to go to the Summit last night, but DH really wanted to get down there so he didn’t want to wait for me. As a result I got the whole afternoon/evening to myself because he isn’t coming back until tonight. I took the time to type the cottage saga and prepare my confession. It felt long overdue, so I hoped the supposedly shortened Summit would still give me the opportunity.
The time I spent preparing my confession was the first time in a while that I was able to really focus on God, and as a result I experienced that simple clarity of thought. Through my examination of conscience I realized that there are some things that I can do better. Then as I was walking from the house to the car, I almost started to cry, but it was out of joy to finally be going again. It just shows how much this means to me. Basically, I was happy to finally be going to where I knew God would be, and also to be able to repair my relationship with him that suffered so over the last 4 months.
4. Summit
We ended up starting late and this was the first CCO event for the new priest. He didn’t mention anything about being available for confessions and when the praise and worship part was done and we had our time of silence, he was still sitting in the pew like the rest of us. This left me with the choice between walking over in front of everyone to ask for confession, or just waiting until next time. Everything, the worlds sung and spoken, how I was feeling , pushed me to go ahead with it. Knowing that I would not be turned away (I can not see a priest refusing confession to a person who wants it) gave me the extra courage to go over and ask.
Instead of the act of contrition the Priest just asked if I was sorry for my sins. And in the same way that I’m coming to KNOW the Truth in my heart, I wasn’t sorry because I knew I was supposed to be, this time I truly was. I had seen what the last 4 months had done to my relationship with God and I wasn’t happy about it. It’s the difference between being a child in my faith and being an adult. But since I came to it late it all takes time.
Afterwards I felt much lighter. Now I have a fresh start I can put the last 4 months behind me. I want/am ready to help rebuilt my bridge back to the Lord.
5. There had already been a shift, finally a few days ago. I had been wishing we could live out the last few months before this baby on our own, because I felt like DMIL was taking over a bit, and the baby was choosing her over me. We had a walk together and it came up, and now basically he is MY responsibility, and so far it’s working a lot better. She has still jumped in and changed a few diapers but it’s not the end of the world, and I do feel more like his mother now, something I’ve been waiting for since he was born. There has been a definite shift in my thoughts, I don’t know if some of it had to do with losing Tigger and how that sort of thing is always a reminder of how precious our time is, but I am voluntarily doing more for him as a result of it all, and I don’t feel like I am missing out so much anymore.
6. I knew that afternoon in my time of clearer thinking that I am meant to stay in Timberlea as well. And the thing is I already knew that before, but since then things had gotten difficult and I had questioned it, and tried to find my own way around it, instead of trusting in God’s plan for me, just like the Priest in He Leadeth Me. I’d had that sense of peace about it before, and when I have that peace I am calm and can be more patient, and I know that when I have that sense of peace I can handle anything. I just couldn’t feel that peace because there was too much else in the way.
7. The fact that God exists is becoming something I know, instead of simple something I believe. A lot of the time my faith has been will based, I know I’m supposed to believe x so I do, but now, at least with the idea that God exists, it’s moving past that. I had made the choice to follow God and as a result I’m supposed to believe that He exists, but now I know it way down in the core of my being, and there’s no going back. It has become much harder to fully doubt that God exists. I just have to find that quiet place in my heart. I hope I can continue to do that, that was one of the priest’s suggestions, to find some time for God each day, 1 way or another to remind myself that He exists.
