Archive for the ‘God’s Will’ Category

Fri Jul 19
– a much needed good night’s sleep
– an egg spaceship
– rosary on nanny’s couch
– all my guys big and small working on a puzzle

– money to do things for our house!
-droplets with blue on beige brown and droplets with brown on dark blue

– boy’s in their new makeshift hangout space in the basement
– finding the right spot for dishes, glasses and silverware
– a cross now standing high over my kitchen sink
– my oldest excitedly bringing me his plant

– a chorus of shouts of ‘yes!’ to God in the back seat
– an adventure of discovery
– Horton!
– giant lobsters and hippos swimming under water
-2 floating heads!
– kids multiplying in the mirror
– buckets and buckets of Lego
-Baby with the display headphones
– building and engineering session for mummy

– Finally learning the secret to Guacamole, soft avocados!
-fresh fish on ice, gifts from the sea
– free samples!
– Mexican fiesta for dinner, this time with guacamole!
-The bridge in the fog

Sat Jul 20
– our new green bathroom
– baby surrounded by dollar bills
– baby helping daddy w the bunk beds and green tape
– a very green room
– boy’s sitting on the front porch
– a lamp left in our hallway just like the one from Pixar
– this house has the cross doors!!

– a way of surrender for him not to be late
– mattresses in the basement, we’ll sleep our first night in this house, in the basement
– grace I didn’t expect, God brought him back to me one last time – for a sleeping bag

– The tremendous gift of my SUMite sister to lift Me, my husband up in prayer and encouragement…
– an airplane in the basement
-middle son sitting quiet and sad for timeout ( unlike his brother at that moment)

– looking up from our new back deck to see a clear feather cloud
– Surrendering to His plan, whatever the outcome, everything, laid down for The Lord and for my husband.
– trust in Him and Him alone

– clouds like doves in the sky
– a great feather quill scrawling clouds across the sky
– a GREAT dove with one huge wing, wrapped over me
-my middle son when I told him to look up at the clouds looking up, exclaiming, ‘wow, they look like feathers!

– meeting the neighbours, she was just delighted that we moved in there, with the littles
– a contractor who worked on our house come by to personally offer his services

– super bike boy
– 3 boys w a mattress in the basement of our new house!
-grace on grace tonight.. DH and the other work party
– bedtime story snuggles w baby
– bible readings, keeping vigil through the night
– middle son saying the psalm response while drifting off to sleep, eyes closed: ‘God’s love is everlasting’
– gospel- conspired against him, when aware of this he departed…
– the bright white light, shining down the street
– th for walking with DH, and for walking with me through my SUM sister and the clouds.

Sun Jul 21

– smiley baby in a very good mood after a good night’s sleep
– baby trying to play with his sleeping big brother
– middle son, holding super bunny by the ears
– cloud rays of hope coming from behind the neighbours’ house
– kids eating cereal at the tiny superhero house table
– superman saying his prayers to Jesus in my kitchen
– boy’s sitting together eating breakfast in the driveway
– doves overhead
– lemon topped English muffin
– family chalk session
– chalking out the beauty from the night before
– a dove for a friend
-Great sweeping dove-like clouds
– great hope and joy in HIM
– an open door to sunshine at the end of the hall
-boys running a business, behind a great desk

– discovering my beautiful crucifix is special, and old
– a great dove over the church parking lot

– a tough opening for tough love
– the HS to guide me when I felt completely lost
– Mumford and sons, loud music to get me through, and Jesus to hold me
– hope in my pain, this is part of something greater/bigger

– a place to come home to
– the big crucifix, still with me in my purse, God, still with me.
– my newest little nephew to brighten my day
– baby didn’t kick me, that was a feet high 5 on the cheek! Aww!
– savoury devilled eggs
– my little guy in the tiny baby seat
– my brother’s childhood friend all grown up, holding the baby
– fun w sookies!
– a tiny baby to cuddle during my hour of mercy prayer time
– a garden sanctuary
–story time w Anthony, a gift of laughter when I needed it most
– strawberry mouse and sunken dinosaurs
– little sleeping baby, all wrapped up

– Mass, again, a source of great comfort and strength
– the hard gift of resembling Jesus, who willingly entered into his Passion.
– a scribble page on which my son wrote his name
– The blue cross, still with me, mom able to open it up and show it off

– apology on my phone
– boy’s tucked in on a mattress in the basement, one at each end
– the perfect bedtime story for this night, I’ll love you forever
– middle son, in dreamland already
– clear guidance from the HS, ‘he descended into hell, on the third day he rose again’

Mon Jul 22

-Fan of feathers in the sky
– a great cross in the clouds
– the beauty of trust
– baby on the toddler scooter
– my oldest w a buddy playing in the splash pad

– songs on the radio that gave hope and voice to my soul
– a tangible sign of commitment and love, a trip to the hardware store for green painting tape
– juice packs and pitas, God’s provision, food to grab and go
– dropping Jesus off at home

– a moment so surreal, the kids and I walking into a hotel
– God’s extravagant provision
– boy’s jumping on the beds
– my oldest, looking out the window and shouting excitedly, we’re in Canada!!!
– my intentional life shirt, along for this soul journey

-authenticity- a broken soul at a hotel window
– the beauty of pure sacrificial love
– boy’s tearing down the hall in search of the pool
– the perfect, single depth kiddie pool for them to play in
-a moment beginning to teach my oldest to swim
– a vast open air patio
– baby with his doggie friend
– being blessed to the point where I forgot I was sad
– little toddler wrapped in towels
– a great angel in the clouds
– bright photographic scenes in the elevator
– my best friend there at the desk, paying for our room, and my oldest, hanging from it

– playground evening picnic from my childhood, my best friend, unknowingly planning and recreating a favorite childhood memory for me
– my oldest and I catching up our rosary on the picnic table
– raw testimony, walking through my own passion before my best friend

– the moon full and round outside our window
– my oldest asleep with his feet tucked behind his head
– reading the last few chapters of winning him- I need all the wisdom I can get..
– and what should I have tucked in my book, but a Christmas card of the 3 boys and a photo of hubby, still there from when I brought them to share in Texas!
– how God prepares us ahead of time, to walk through all storms that we will face…
-words of hope from a friend, it’s all going to be okay.

Tues Jul 23

– awake and unable to sleep, time to pray and just to be alone with God
– bible intros, God’s love story
– words leaping of the pages of scripture, a message, for HIM.
– time alone, to grieve and pray in the quiet of night
– a blanket to wrap up in, Your arms around me
– all my prayer stuff spread on the windowsill before me like an altar of my love

– sunrise over the city
– a weathered feather scrawling in the sky
– Mary sweetness

– morning brother snuggles
– 3 boys looking out the window
– the perfect place to go
– complete abandonment to God, right by the main city roundabout
-all of us taking in the view from the 15th floor- people like ants and cars like dinkies

– little girl baby come to visit
– mommy and baby, both so beautiful
– little baby and my best friend joining us in the pool
– baby girl splashing
– no pool toys, no problem, we’ll use our croc shoes!
– croc shoes riding on flutter board boats
– indoor pool oasis
– the panels in the studio window framed a perfect cross

– praying by the ocean in the driving rain
– the final drive in
– spotting him a ways off, and running to him with open arms
– being ‘home’ again
– reaching out to show him love
– a shed that can be built in a day
– hardware samplers, shingles and tiny stone blocks
– Quiznos!
– boy’s eating subs in the back seat,
– holding hands

– time to really talk
– finding out the truth; that he wanted nothing to do with temptation because he loves ME.
-walking through it all with DH, on the way to healing
– forgiveness, reconciliation followed by an unexpected surprise
– amazing grace, God has used this to transform our marriage, we’ve never been more in love
– sharing with him how God was behind it all, and that none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been following God’s directions!
– wonder and awe at how God chose to bless my husband, and in a way he really could not ignore God’s role in it.

Wed Jul 24

-Grace upon grace- this time for BOTH of us!! What a resurrection!
– green and pink bathroom
– pikachu suspended from the swiffer
– morning prayer together w Jesus on the back deck
– harmony of alleluias
– baby reverently kneeling down before Jesus in the monstrance
-praising my heart out to the kid cd!
– my FIL calling to me excitedly the second I came in the door, and our old appliances free for the taking on kijiji 😉
– superman perched way up in the back of the seat

– a long chat with my heArt sister from church about everything God has been doing in our lives!
– the two of us, on our knees praying the divine mercy together in our living room!

– God’s NOT DEAD!!!
– an abundance of socks all matched up
– middle son tucked up in my bed
– the desks we were promised, still available now that I finally reached the lady who has them
-‘ Jesus just called you’ – DH. Good, because I couldn’t find him anywhere ( my phone)

Thurs Jul 25

-“as you listen to the birds”, JC opening as the birds were singing around me, God moment!
-my oldest counting to 300 to mark 5 min… ( made it to 112 slowly…)
– a strange creature emerged from the depths of our basement
– an article in flourish on woman, the glory of man

– 3 o’clock praise and worship before the blue cross
-A soul at my front door, during the hour of mercy. Instead of singing and praying this day I had put on music.
Right as I signed the papers, the words, ‘what can wash away my sin, nothing but the blood of Jesus!!!’ were echoing out of our home!

– hubby bracing the door open for groceries, letting my music be heard in the front yard 😉

– a big puddle in our driveway
– the kitchen garbage from right out of my thoughts- when we were looking at the house I had a vision of garbage and recycling bins side by side. Little did I know at the time that they could be found in the same container!!!
– starter prayer shelf in the kitchen cupboard

– sharing the blessing of our new house w my friend’s parents, and a little of how God was behind it all
– guacamole on my own, w cilantro, garlic and more lime mine was even better!
– boy’s saying bedtime prayers in our Mary blue living room to Jesus on the blue cross, on the mantle


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Mar 13

Things have been moving along here and I have much more to share about my whole journey to Texas now. God has made it so clear He wants me to go there, I don’t know why yet, but I know it will be good and I am starting to get excited at times.

First thing I did was I went to my husband and asked him if he thought I could go and to my surprise he didn’t mind me taking off for Texas for several days, and being gone away with the baby – but he didn’t want to pay for any of it.
So, I prayed about it, and God put on my heart to ask the ladies in my faith study group at church, especially the one I have so connected with, the one who I’ve been leading the studies with. She told me that while I was talking someone came to mind that I should ask. So, when I got the chance I did, and about a week later that person told me they would cover all my flights! Just like that. I was blown away by God’s care, His kindness, but He wasn’t finished yet.

More Fundraising:
The Holy Spirit had also put on my heart to ask these ladies, and so, not knowing what other expenses I would still incur, I made a short announcement at the end of our lesson: that God had called me to go to this conference in Texas, and my husband had agreed I could go but didn’t want to pay for it. I told them praise the Lord my flights were already covered now, but there would still be other expenses such as passports and cabs, perhaps a place to stay as well, and it would really honor my husband if I didn’t have to use our money to pay for it. These ladies were extremely generous, and I felt so loved when the following week one after another people were bringing me envelopes. ❤

A place to stay:
The 2nd weekend in March the SMU chaplaincy had a retreat. I knew about it ahead of time, it was called BUILD and it was all about the New Evangelization. I was especially intrigued because Evangelization is one of my passions. However, I was also thinking about this trip to Texas and I had taken note, the speaker to our little corner of the world for the retreat, was form Texas, Houston Texas. I knew this was only further confirmation that I was meant to be at this conference somehow.

So, there we were, baby and I, in the front row at the retreat and as the speaker was about to finish up his first talk he looked over and asked the baby’s name. I told him it was Noah, and his jaw dropped. Then he asked what his middle name was, and when I told him his jaw dropped even further. Noah is the name they have picked out for when they have a boy and his middle name is the middle name they have chosen for all of their future boys. He commented that it was ‘like a sign’.

After the talk I went up to him and said ‘ it is kind of like a sign, see I’m going to be in Houston, Texas for a conference at the beginning of April! And he just said it, ‘ you are welcome to stay with us if you need a place to stay’ . !!!! So now, I have my flights covered, extra money for other expenses AND a free place to stay!!!! God is soo good!

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Feb 20

A few months ago I recieved an invitation to a SUM conference in April. It was to be held in the southern US and that is a long way to travel for a Canadian, so I smiled at the thought and then it settled to the back of my mind.

Well, it didn’t stay there. As the Holy Spirit so often does when we don’t respond to His leading the first time, the idea resurfaced and has stuck with me. After reading a post in which God spoke to Lynn about someday having to step down from her ministry – and maybe soon – it did highlight a sense of urgency with this particular conference. I have longed to meet Lynn ever since I found in her such a kindred spirit and before the announcement of the conference my best inspiration was that if we took the boys to Cars Land in the next couple years then while we were in California I could meet up with her since that’s where she lives, but it was really only a pipe dream.

Then last night I did a bit more thinking and discerning about the conference. It started after I woke up from a strange (as in how did that get there) dream about tornados – little ones that would spring up out of nowhere… and winds that were so strong you had to bunker down. Like every 5 minutes :S

Besides the whole I’ve never done this before, flying by myself is nerve racking because what if I miss/get the wrong plane! There is a certain amount of fear associated with traveling all alone, with an infant, to a state down south where I’ve never been. Strange city, young woman all alone… you know.

Fear… what was I just reading about fear the other day? Fear: A catalyst for growth, a chance to really put my trust in God. This would certainly be an opportunity to do plenty of that!

If the main reason I don’t think I will go is fear, then I think I have my answer, but still, how do I know if God really wants me to go? – yes it could be a once in a life-time opportunity., I know I will learn from the conference itself and the whole experience like I always do, and I long to meet Lynn in person and feel called to go to meet some OTHER community members. If I was only going for the talks then yes it would be incredibly selfish to take off far away for a few days and pay that kind of money for such a short conference – but it’s so much more than that – meeting Lynn, and Dineen, and establishing a personal community, a major adventure with really only God as my guide and a definite opportunity to grow leaps and bounds in my faith and my marriage.

DH was concerned about the money and asked if it would be web cast etc… but otherwise he seemed ok with it. He didn’t seem to think it that crazy of me to want to head to the southern united states all of a sudden for a 2-3 day whirwind trip. Huh. Of course there is still the money, but I can work something out, if God wants me to go, afterall, I didn’t have all the money for Rise Up either, and it was still a very worthwhile experience.

Also, I always find it easier to make a concrete change when I’m at a conference. I mean, when I just resolve 1 day to make a change, it usually doesn’t stick, it’s when the resolve is coupled with an EXPERIENCE that I find myself truly changing on a deeper level.

Sometimes God asks you to do some crazy things. And, if I’m honest in the pursuit of holiness in all my decisions, then this is actually a pretty easy one. These words from a book I’ve been reading came to mind:

“The saints simply asked themselves, “What is God’s will for this moment” If they concluded that something would help them draw nearer to God and the best version of themselves God desired them to be, then they embraced it.

When I think about whether this trip would help make me the best version of myself, I know it would force me to rely on God in a big way, it would teach me more about the world and people far away that I could share God’s heart for them, it would be a fulfillment of a dream and it would help me grow in my marriage as well. There is no doubt about that one, so even though it’s expensive, I just might go. I even prayerfully had the idea that when I go to buy my ticket at the airport we can check out the plane museum as a family. (Update, DH thought it would be crazy to go to the airport to book a flight :S)

Overall my best friend ( my outside voice of reason and wisdom) was really supportive and excited for me. She said – I think it’s a great opportunity and you should go for it, but I also think there will be huge obstacles’, which is true, but nice to know she doesn’t think I’m crazy for wanting to go! Turns out my spiritual director thought it was not unreasonable either. 🙂

It still doesn’t feel real yet, but I have great peace and I’m starting to see the pieces coming together bit by bit.

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Feb 6

These are my notes from the Q and A session with one of our local theologians. I realized things while typing this up today: 1. I really LOVE theology, and 2. theology has a lot of words that spell check doesn’t recognize! 😀


Q & A with a local Theologian

Q on Papal Infallability

How can the Pope always be right?

God is good because God has made Himself to be good — speak the truth given by God’s life
In Jesus we see true Lordship – the loving servant.
In Jesus we see true Power – not like worldy power
There is always this hope in a sea of uncertainty – hope in what God Himself has revealed. The HS is a necessary condition for anyone to speak the Truth.

Of course, the Pope can refuse God’s self-giving and they do several times a day (just like us) but when they are in line with God – they are most Pope like, and then there are times when they are less the pope.
So, let’s say the Pope proclaimed the non-divinity of Christ – in doing so he would be divorcing himself from the papacy (by refusing/rejecting that which it stands for) – so he would no longer be infallible.

The church is the yes to the Holy Spirit which leads to the presence of God within. It’s the Christoformation of matter through the embodiment of the holy spirit.

So, in the popest moments of the Pope – we have, levels of papal sanctification – then yes he is infallible.


Q on Science and Religion
Can you comment on some of the contradictions between science and religion?
Science. We were picking insects out of each other’s fur and burning each other at the stake until 1 day someone invented science. – and all of a sudden we have computers and toasters and men on the moon.

Ugh. Science – sciencia.

There are more than one kinds of knowledge. :?:???
Knowledge as in sciencia pertains to repeatable things. (And while it’s not under my control I can say that about my faith- there are certain repeated experiences!)

So here’s a cup – this is knowledge – my brain works and works – it’s clear, plastic hard, x inches tall – there now I know the cup – and the cup stays the same.
God reveals himself to us and we are passive to it.
Love is natural and reciprocal – it’s a relationship.

Knowledge of Love or justice or beauty or truth or goodness or God – is not knowledge at all.

Sciencia is useful for understanding our world, but the vast majority of knowledge that makes life worth living – is NOT sciencia. (love, justice, beauty, goodness….)

Truth – that which IS.

Here I am, this selfish mess of biological drives, a destructive force in the world, and then God reaches out with salvation, and my trajectory changes. Gazing on Christ we can know the good, see the good, and even do the good.
We can know God the Father through our fatherhood. We can know Christ through our service and love of others.

There has to be this union of my foot with the cup, for it to move. People in this world are moved by love justice etc…

Everyone who does not refuse a relationship with God – is in relationship. And you can definitely be in relationship with Jesus, and find out his name later.


Q Why 4 different Gospels ?
Mark was telling them: here’s the real story of your faith. John’s gospel expresses the faith of the people…

If I throw juice on Emily and then I throw pop on Emily and I ask her which was better – she’ll say there different, but they’re the same – they’re both WET.  Both gospels tell the genealogy of the church.


Q on Souls and is anyone really in hell?

If someone hits us, we experience adrenaline and we have two nantural biological responses: fight or flight – neither of which is ‘turn the other cheek’. Through God’s gifts of Himself we have this third option.

Our soul is just that which is necessary for a thing to be what it is.. it’s the sheepness of a sheep. It’s the Davidness of David. Our souls are naturally and always oriented to our biological drives. But now we have this third option, the response of love. God gives us the grace to choose love instead. And we are free to choose. **Without God’s grace we would all be slaves to our biological drives but without the biology we would all be God’s robots. It’s this balance of both God’s grace and our biological drives that holds us in this place of freedom**

Of course, we are fallen. Our biological drives are very easily pulled by concupiscence. I love my daughters and that is a good thing, but w/o God’s grace this love can easily become a need to spend too much on them, or become tribalistic – (my family over yours type thing I think) and w/o God it can degenerate into that VERY QUICKLY.
Concupiscence is like a gravitational pull that acts on all our desires.

All human souls are in relationship with God. They are in relationship with God simply because God loves them. It might be a one way relationship but there it is. With a sheep, the soul dies with the sheep but with us – it doesn’t, because God has a relationship with us. God is eternal, and our soul, is bound to God forever, and it is by this relationship, that we inherit and share in His eternal nature.

There is no soul that has no relationship with God. (though some relationships are very broken) They are in relationship with God simply because God loves them. Hell – we suppose – souls in hell are still in some kind of relationship with God,. There is an experience of the beatific vision enough to give the understanding of what one has missed out on. They experience a hint of relationship with God – enough to know what they have missed.
Remember, the Lord’s house has many rooms. Sponge and water there are souls that are soaked in God’s love and then there are other souls that are dry and parched.

To recap, all of us, we have our biological drives, and through the holy spirit we also have an alternative to them.

All creation has a soul, and a relationship with God: sheepness birdness, Tylerness or Noahness….

Sheep – a sheep’s soul dies with the sheep. It’s sheepness dies with it’s body. But our soul does not. Through the Holy Spirit and God’s self-giving, we are in a relationship with God – andsince God is eternal this relationship must be eternal – which makes us eternal as well.

Of course we can’t judge the state of anyone’s soul, and we can only speculate on the next life.


Reflection and Thoughts

People watching at the mall – Look at these people, all these people, people who I really know nothing about, but God does! He loves them as much as He loves me – all these people, here and all over the world, and in every age! Woah. The boundless Love of our God!

God, loves these people, I’m looking them in the eye and God has a plan for them, a way for them to be the best version of themselves – if I could see what God sees I bet I’d find out all sorts of amazing things about these people, this one’s a great cellist and that one’s a born administrator etc…this one has a real passion for selling cars? — and the world NEEDS these people! All of them. They’re all different, but all very much needed… God, He knows what motivates them, what drives them, what they struggle with, everything, and He has a unique plan of salvation for each and every one of them. Each unique individual has value for their own sake, for who they are and because they are loved by God.

He sees in a child, and in all of us, all that we could be. We see a wriggly baby or an immature child, but God sees ALL that they will, and all that they could, become!

Of course, we don’t always choose his way, and some never do, and still – He sees the great future he had planned for them. 😦 But by His very nature, He will do all He can to give them His best in this life, so it’s still worthwhile to pray, because, while everyone has free will and God won’t force Himself on anyone, God can and I think certainly does shower graces even on those who don’t receive Him – and they are always free to respond to them.

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Lately I’ve been praying and really struggling about something I believe God is calling me to do. This morning while the kids were sleeping I really laid it out to God; I poured out my heart and voiced my frustration to God, and asked Him to speak to me through His Word. He led me to this:

1 Chronicles 28: 20 [Then David said to Solomon his son,] “Be strong and of good courage, and do it. Fear not, be not dismayed; for the LORD God, even my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you, until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.”

God is so faithful!!!! ♥ Just had to share 🙂

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June 18


Father’s day weekend was a time of great spiritual growth and I had my first few whole days of letting go of my will and also walking in the spirit. (It’s so much easier to be docile to the spirit when I’m by the sea down in Blandford!) A weekend away in the country was just what I needed. It was really me who wanted us to spend the weekend there, I knew I just needed to get away. DH’s best friend was going to be there and I had looked forward to a fun weekend with lots of family and friends and laughter. Instead, it was rather difficult with lots of unmet expectations and vying for DH’s attention and I had to struggle and fight to maintain a positive attitude.

But I’ve never felt so constantly close to God!


The way it played out it was a rather rough weekend, but it was HUGE for my soul, a chance to read, unpack, learn, apply, grow, pray and live without the distraction of the computer. So reminding what had been trying to focus on: -fight my own will and then -as often as fault, examine myself to find the reason, the weak point. With the extra adults around I had some time to myself to read and to pray, and because I had nothing better to do, I was able to really apply what I have been learning to my current situation. I spent close to 2 days walking constantly, living, in the spirit. God was so close, all I had to do was close my eyes and I felt Him near. I don’t want to lose that; I have to keep my heart open and be careful not to get too distracted by the computer.

The chapter on suffering and grace in 1000 gifts was a big part of this. Every time I read from that book, I spend several days living life more fully, beautifully, beauty in everything and God so close. I can already tell, this will never be a book I read once and then move on; I will find myself reading and rereading from it for years to come, every time I need a fresh shot of joy.


On Saturday morning, spent about 2 hours sitting outside in the sun overlooking the water. It is so peaceful there, and it always stills my soul.

*Soft breezes, spirit moving

*The quiver of grass blowing in the wind

*A single tear drop glistening beneath tiny eyelashes

*The weight of this tiny person sleeping in my lap

With my big kids gone boating I got to read through another chapter. These are the excerpts, (all emphasis mine) that struck me most (and a little bit of context) mostly as taken from her own blog post, So All is Grace :

“Lord..”All the feelings since the blade and the breaking, all my questioning and asking, they swell, hot lava to the surface and I choke it back, the thick farming hand squeezing mine.

‘That I’d day after day after day, greedily take what looks like it’s good from Your hand – a child gloating over sweet candy’ I’ve been a thief, trying to hoard away all the good.” “but that I’d thrash wild to escape when what You give from Your hand feels bad – like gravel in the mouth. Oh Father, forgive…

What if that which feels like trouble, gravel in the mouth, is only that-feeling- What if faith says all is… I think it, but do I really mean it?


(Scripture on CD)
It’s coming out of the same stereo speakers, like the voices of predisents, dignataries. These are the words of God.

Out of the speakers I hear Him clear: But Jesus told him: “No! The scriptures say, ‘People do not live on bread alone… but by every word that comes from the mouth of God’. (Matthew 4:4)

I listen and I live fully on what comes straight from His mouth,. That Serpent, he’s slithered with the lie that God doesn’t give good but gives rocks in the mouth, leaves us to starve empty in the wilderness, and we’ll just have to take lessons form Satan on how to take the stones of the careless God and make them into bread to feed our own hungry souls. And I hear it straight out of the speakers on a July morning breaking, the Son of God saying there is only one way to live full and it’s’ ‘by every word that comes from the mouth of God’

It is all that Jesus used to survive in the desert, in His wrangle with silver-tongued Lucifer, only this: “It is written.” And it is the Word of God that turns the rocks in the mouth to loaves on the tongue. That fills our emptiness with the true and real good, that makes the eyes see, the body full of light.”

‘…but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ We have to trust, and we have to CHOOSE to do this. To see everything through the eyes of heaven… It is the word of God that turns rocks in the mouth to loaves on the tongue, and this, this is the only way to live fully!


“The countryside splits open, the earth unpeeled into sun. The wheat wears gold.”

I awaken to the strange truth that all new life comes out of dark places, and hasn’t it always been? Out of darkness, God spoke forth the teeming life. That wheat round asnd ripe across all these feels, they swelled like hope embryos in womb of the black earth. Out of the dark, tender life unfurled. Out of my own inner pitch, six human beings emerged, new life, wet and fresh.

All new life labors out of the very bowels of darkness.

That fullest life itself dawns from nothing but Calvary darkness and tomb-cave black into the radiance of Easter morning. Out of the darkness of the cross the world transfigures to new life. And there is no other way.

Then…yes: It is dark suffering’s umbilical cord that alone can untether new life.

It is SUFFERING that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver GRACE.

And grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering OVERCOMES that suffering.

This is so true! We focus on it and gripe and complain about it and it beats us down. As long as we try to fight it, it will rule over us.

But it can do this only as long as we let it! If we intentionally choose to bear the suffering, it no longer has power over us!

“It is dark suffering’s umbilical cord that alone can untether new life.”
Then so it must be for my husband as well. Of course, my own life as a child of God came from a place of darkness, so he too must come to a place of NEED, and so must I for full conversion. I must come back to that place. I know I need God for heaven, He saves me from death, and although day to day I do need Him, I don’t know it well enough yet.


My pain, my dark-all the world’s pain, all the world’s dark – it might actually taste sweet to the tongue, be the genesis of new life? —

Yes. And emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fulfuillment of joy.

So God transfigures all the world?

Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good, grief transfigures into grace, empty transfigures into full. God wastes nothing -“makes everything work out according to his plan.”


“I am amputated. I have hacked my life up into grace moments and curse moments. The chopping has cut me off from the embracing love of a God who “does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow” but labors to birth grief into greater grace.”

This line really struck me. I have amputated my joy by labeling curses and rejecting His gifts of suffering!

“Isn’t this the crux of the gospel? The good news that all those living in the land of shadow and death have been birthed into new life, that the transfiguration of a suffering world has already begun! That suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart, and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty (and grace).


What a magnificent way to view the world, to view life:

What in the world, in all this world, is grace?

I can say it certain now: All is grace.

I see through the woods of the world: God is always good and I am always loved.

Because eucharisteo is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us to transfigure all things: take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness.
I have glimpsed it: This, the hard eucharsteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good. The hard discipline to number griefs as grace because as the surgeon would cut open my son’s finger to heal him, so God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole.


This, this is the practical, of how to live this full life. This is what I have to DO, to achieve it. It’s not easy, that’s for sure, but this grace life is WORTH it.

-Help me to love my husband as Christ loved the church, and more and more, to lay down my life, for him. (suffering -> grace-> beauty-> love-> new life)

This was Part 1, this real awakening to the possibility of a whole new way of living.

Part 2.

This was also the weekend that I had my first experience intentionally boldly sharing my faith with someone I knew. (I have been sharing with my best friend but it has always been gradual, and led by her genuine interest and questions).

Walking close to God, the spirit showed me a new lost sheep to tend. I found myself alone with this person, and the spirit impressed on me that this was a prime opportunity; this probably being the most relaxed and friendly atmosphere possible to have such a conversation!

I deliberated over it for probably 15-20 minutes. At this point I was sure the Lord wanted me to, and the spirit had given me words to open with, but I was nervous. It was scary. This was one of the last people I’d choose to engage in such a discussion. And yet the spirit urged me on. The words were on my tongue but still I couldn’t open my mouth, knowing that as long as I didn’t, I could still take it back, but once I opened my mouth and put it out there, there was no going back and one way or another, things would be different. I was nervous about their reaction, nervous about what I would say, espeically beyond the first question as I would have to think on my feet.

As I stalled I felt God asking me, ‘do you love them?’ Sharing the Gospel with someone is the ultimate act of love, whether they realize it or not. I knew that the answer was yes.

By the grace of God, somehow I got that first question out, and we talked fairly openly for 10 or 20 minutes, mostly I asked and answered questions. For the first time I was speaking about faith, but without an agenda. The spirit gave me the grace to lay out the truth, without forcing a particular opinion. Nothing major has come of it, but it was huge for me.


Through the Courageous Catholic program, and especially this experience, I am learning, that speaking about my faith is not just for my husband or my best friend, but with all those I long for God to reach, it’s not enough to just pray for them (that someone else will lead them etc) at some point, I have to actually share my faith with them. I pray for them espeically because they are in my circle of influence, so then I must also be the one to reach out to them!


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jul 27

1. Routine: I can’t seem to find something that works for us… There are days when I get up early and can plan a good breakfast etc, I can devote all kinds of time to the kids, but then later when I try to do anything else I can’t; I’m peppered with questions and requests, I give them a toy they want and they want another 5 minutes late etc.. . I know praying and especially the rosary are important, and the earlier in the day the better, but I’m having a hard time finding a time when they will leave me alone enough. And I can’t involve them yet because they don’t have the attention span. I don’t know what works well…. not really – save having things planned ahead, but when I try to plan, bam kids want me then too.

A good plan would be chores and school activities in the morning, and walk and rest in afternoon. Then have supper ready, and daddy take the kids would guarantee some of that quiet down time i crave….
This will only work once the temperatures go back down a bit, right now I find it’s too hot to be out in the sun past about 10 or 11 o’clock.

A key to success, might be to involve the kids in everything I’m doing etc.. chores, my blog, my photos? – Well, I tried it. I liked the idea of living holistically, invovling my kids in what is important to me, and then vice versa. But even my 4 year old got bored of looking through pictures pretty quickly 😦

2. No. The key to success, I think – is to purposefully stay off the computer as much as possible, ideally all daytime hours, but at least all morning and have 40 min or so very productive, after DH is home and I’ve done a bit of cleaning. THEN I can engage the kids more and fill their needs? THEN I can have supper already cooking when DH gets home.

Something else that might help, if I need them to leave me alone to read or write, would be to give them puzzles. Puzzles really seem to hold their attention and keep them occupied.

3. On Saturday night God turned my world upside down when He showed me His plans for the future.


DH and I went to a homeschool seminar at our local church. As with the Theology of the Body session in the fall, this was something I wanted him to hear from somebody else and not just from me. The idea had cropped up and intrigued me in the past, but I figured given my organization and procrastination difficulties that I was not cut out for it, and I would be happy to submit to my husband and send our kids to public school, if that was what God wanted. But that night God turned my world upside down when he showed He had other ideas.

The couple that was giving the talk began explaining what they do etc and within minutes I was already considering trying out a kindergarten program with the kids this year as a first step. It was just like with Montreal, by the end of their talk God had completely changed my heart. So much of what they said resonated with me. They explained the how homeschooling helped them to be more organized, and they specifically mentioned that it’s important to declutter your home. Their reasons for homeschooling were the same as mine but there were even other benefits I hadn’t considered as well. The also explained how homeschooling was just an extension of what they already did each day, and suddenly I could see how easily it could fit into our life too.

God has been calling me to be obedient. He’s been calling me to true biblical submission as a wife. That means: deferring the authority etc for final decision making to my husband, even though he doesn’t share my faith, EXCEPT in cases where it would go against God’s law etc. THIS is not a morality issue and IN LIGHT OF SUBMISSION I was perfectly happy to let the kids go to public school, if that was what God wanted from me – BUT God has made it completely clear that this is not an area of compromise.

Overall DH was less than thrilled, but that said, the decluttering thing was not lost on him. I was not at all surprised when he brought up that point that evening. I already knew this was going to be the deciding factor: if He had to submit to this homeschooling stuff then I definitely had to take seriously his wish for a less cluttered home. And I am, we’re already talking about ways we can start to tackle this problem. The promise of a tidier home is the way to make this idea appeal to him. And quite frankly, I’m sick of living in such clutter, I find it makes it so hard to get anything done.

4. Faith Notes

-3 things to remember: slow down, take time to give thanks and keep your heart open to God and others.

-Let suffering make your valleys into sheltered places to light a match and see the face of God…. –Ann Voskamp – A Holy Experience

-Thank you for giving me a cold while on vacation, when I have extra hands – it’s better than if I was stuck at home with the kids!

-Actually, this cold, this suffering, could be birthing the new graces needed to make this big change : live simple, walk in spirit, declutter, change my focus and then educate my children!

5. On Saturday afternoon my best friend brought the baby out to my mom’s house so she could meet her. It was an interesting girl’s afternoon, as my 7 month old was the only male present, and we discussed labor stories, mostly hers. We also took a couple pictures no the deck to finish the photo story and I had DH bring the kids at the end, so they could meet the new baby too.




6. It seems God is quite involved in the July photo project. I’ve found over and over that if I wait and follow God’s lead on the project, each day He helps me to get the perfect photograph. When I am patient and just wait on His timing He gives me the perfect inspiration, the 20 or 30 minute time-slot I need, He lines up all the perfect circumstances and even sometimes provides the perfect subjects as well.

Also as I’ve been doing this project, I’m finding I have to take less and less pictures to get my shot each day. The photo for EYES was a major exception, but only because I had never taken a direct self-portrait with my new cameras, ever. I don’t know why, it is so much simpler than trying to take a decent photo in the mirror… Point and shoots were always too close but SLRs give anyone the necessary distance to get in both head and shoulders easily, just by holding the camera out in front of them.

7. On Monday night we made it down to see the tall ships. It was just a nice night out with the family, but we ended up sitting for about an hour waiting for the fireworks, so I had the opportunity to play with some nighttime shots. We all enjoyed looking at the boats, the fireworks were pretty spectacular and I have the cutest photo of my little guy, dressed of course in a nautical outfit for the occasion 🙂


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