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Archive for the ‘Tired Days’ Category

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Struggle, and what it has to do with loneliness:

When I struggle, that is when I desperately seek out comfort and encouragement. If I feel I’m struggling, then for w/e reason, I’m not finding it – so this will help bring peace in those times.

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I saw this photo on my instagram a few days ago, and this morning when I woke up tired I remembered what I had read:

joyprouty: 3:30am. stopped working to go to sleep and at that same moment the baby woke up to feed. i’ve learned a lot in the last three months of living on the road. the biggest perhaps is that the thing that creates the most bitterness in my heart is my feelings of entitlement towards things… such as a full night’s rest, or a bed/room/space/time of my own. somewhere in the back of my mind I harbor bitterness for the lack of sleep/neediness of children/the daily grind but it is just because I somewhere along the line decided I was entitled to the nature of my life as it was previously and then I grow bitter because the two lives don’t match up. trying to learn to be more grateful these days. choosing continually to let the expectations go. even if it means I don’t sleep. because that just means I have a baby in my arms healthy enough to cry to express her needs. I trust God will give me the strength to serve my family tomorrow because he trusted me enough to make me a mother. I choose to see His gifts instead of my useless bitterness. that is all for my wee morning hours deep thoughts. ;). hugs to the night mamas out there in the dark illuminated by the glow of their iPhones alongside me. 😉

Usually, when I don’t get the sleep I needed and it’s out of my control, even without being resentful of anyone, I get imbued w this great sense that some sort of compensation is expected, required, that I be given extra time to rest, without kids and to let myself slack off a bit around the house etc, because I’m so tired. Then of course when reality and my ideal don’t line up,
I get even more frustrated and angry.
It’s the tired days that almost always leave me frustrated and further from God because then it’s all about me.

Just because I’m tired from being up in the night, doesn’t give me any right to special treatment… ( during that day)

This has been my single biggest hang up that makes for what feels like a bad day. Joy, thank you so much for articulating this so clearly, so I can recognize it and start to change my ways!

There are many days when I start to feel so frazzled from the constant barrage of kid requests and complaints, and I hear it in my voice, that I am not being so patient or kind anymore, and I know I NEED a break, but still I don’t always get it- and yes that leads to more frustration and anger as well.

So, today, any day, maybe God will grant me rest or maybe not, not today, maybe He’ll provide in other ways. Either way, I will give thanks.

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Life is beautiful! Childhood is a wonder, growing up is awesome, marriage is wonderful, children are an amazing incredible gift!!!! There are seasons, but it seems it just keeps getting better and better!

After a long hard week, this morning I find myself just in awe of God’s faithfulness!!!

Faithfulness, about a kids birthday party! But, in Him everything comes together beautifully 🙂

Faithfulness, in both big and small, from getting fingers unstuck and taking care of my son when he got something stuck in his nose which was actually pretty serious, to providing cotton candy in the exact 3 colors I needed and leading me to the little chocolate teddy cookies at the bulk store when Teddy Grahams had discontinued that flavor, to carrying ME through all the ups and downs this week held for us. Thurs night as I said my bedtime prayers in the kitchen I could see the ants crawling everywhere… and I just thought: we’re about to have a party here, and have someone come look at our house now too and it’s this great disaster- and DH is still at the children’s hospital with my oldest, the guest of honor at this party! – I feel like there was this immense crushing mountain just above me, about to fall on me, falling even, but it can’t crush me because Jesus is holding it up. It’s right there, I can see it, but with Him I am safe…’

And faithfulness to my prayers, as just in the last 2 days, I am actively seeing the beginning fruits of 2 more of my prayers for DH!!!!

This has been a hard week, I don’t even know why, but it has! And still, You are STRONGER!!

(I have a new iPhone now so I have Jesus Calling back!!)

June 7 JC

I am all around you, like a cocoon of Light. My Presence with you is a promise, independent of your awareness of Me. Many things can block this awareness, but the major culprit is worry. My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life. However, worry is a form of unbelief; it is anathema to Me.

Who is in charge of your life? If it is you, then you have good reason to worry. But if it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive. When you start to feel anxious about something, relinquish the situation to Me. Back off a bit, redirecting your focus to Me. I will either take care of the problem Myself or show you how to handle it. In this world you will have problems, but you need not lose sight of Me.

Amen.

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Fri May 17
Quiet and being much more on schedule! (Baby sleep)

Scissor tree
Cut and paste lesson, and getting through 2 pages of the workbook!

Cd tray drink holder

Baby’s little worship hands

-New Grace to change-Consoling P 309 ‘sinners have taken everything from me, but that is all right; I have given everything away for their sake that they might know that You are good and merciful.’
-A deep stir, a moving and a shaking, these words I’m reflecting on are earth-shaking huge for our marriage and my role in God’s plan for him… (Sum, 3days, be ready, listen for His voice)

-straw bracelet
a phone call with a friend, at last

Sat May 18
Ty for bringing this community together (moving…)
Cold baby feet come to snuggle
A bed full of laughter/giggles
My appetite finally returning
A fancy weekend family breakfast

Our First real family rosary meditations

Middle son struggling to open the door for daddy because his hands were covered in lotion

Watching Baby push a chair over to the kitchen counter and then proudly climb up on it

Kids singing hosanna

Wind
Hearts to represent the spirit of God’s love
Fire Tongue in the back, that hovers over a head bowed in prayer
How the paper flame shine so bright when the light hit just right (+metaphor)

-Pretty -sprout flower
-mummy’s littlest helper (on a chair) in the kitchen

Hope clouds
Christ the King praie and worship sign on the car parked next to ours

Sun May 19 – Pentecost
-New Pentecost in the back yard
-my little crucifix on my windowsill, the Easter ribbon completely undone; mercy overflowing, spilling grace

– croissant empty tomb
-praying our trusty agent into the prayer jar

– 2 boys in the car for church w Pentecost hats

The altar and sacristy covered (overshadowed) in deep red fire of God’s love

A sea of red among the congregation for Pentecost

Asian sesame stir fry
Spinach salad with creamy dill dressing

Little boys using chopsticks
An red onion ring bracelet

-Singing my love for The Lord while He sings all around, hand in hand
-New boldness to continue singing praises to Him when the neighbours were out
-baby’s head laying in my lap for comfort, a pillow pure white as he got changed

Mon May 20
Superman wresting showdown on the bed
Spider baby- again

My oldest putting a sticker on his chart

Working on the computer, with God’s blessing, and how much I was able to get caught up!
2 old posts, complete with pictures!

-Middle son, sound asleep in the back seat in Jammie’s and boots.
-Driving through the rain into light and hope
– my best friend’s house at last
-great big pictures of art
-Fresh herbs on the window sill
– mushroom soup from a can bursting w flavour (she’s a great cook)
-chicken and basil pesto panini
– a supper my 3 year old ate up
-Her baby covered in cereal
-dessert bowls of fruit with whipped cream and chocolate
-middle son, grinning from war to ear w his dessert

– jungle bedroom, sea bathroom sunny yellow kitchen, she decorates just like me! But she’s really good at it!
-the first house that really looked a possibility, and it had detail after detail of what I wanted…
Sharing Baby girl’s first step together
Watching baby cling to mummy as she vacuumed
-seeing how my best friend and her man have made a lovely home, together
-and how she is just flourishing

– a walk in the garden
-tulips showered with raindrops
-the paper she thrust in my hand, directions for an 8 min prayer walk she felt compelled to give me
-the rainbow glow of the store signs and the reflection
-twilight
-new buds and leaves lit by streetlights
– google’s confusing directions, leading to the church
-a little prayer garden across the st
-Streetlights through the mist
-A great tree completely lit from behind in the mist
-being snuggled close on the chilly walk back
-Store lights reflected in wet pavement

-The happiest little boy, snuggled in blankets on the computer chair surrounded by transformers and watching the show on the laptop

-chatting with her at her kitchen table over late night coffee
– baby with the butterfly

-new shoes
– my best friend and her little girl, waving in the light of the doorway

-Driving through Patch after patch of heavy mist and headlights
Laughter crinkle in Jesus’ eyes

Tues May 21
Insight from the focus parenting magazine, and from a friend

Frustration, that is moving me to action, to seek out a solution

Wed May 22
-Kids reading books in a row in chairs on the couch

-Forgiven beloved art

-The song for my heart – Carry me

Baby tickling brother’s bare tummy
Daddy and baby’s slap high 5 game

-Fellowship, community and love in a circle of women
-A new and deeper unity, all of us holding hands in prayer

-Being Called hon and sweetheart at store and hearing these words of love from God Himself

Thurs May 23
JC: It’s a treasure hunt, look for God!!
Little robin hopping along on the grass

Story time lessons on God’s ways and rules and purity and challenging ourselves all to do better
Our paper hands all together

Singing praise music karaoke with the neighbour

Boys in the peekaboo window

The neighbour joining in, all of us dancing to rise rise up

-Gold mine- a broadcast on specific parenting techniques for the strong willed child

-A peaceful evening (no power struggles!)

-Indian pancakes

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The last 2 months or so have been really tough. This year has been, by far, my toughest lent. Of course, it was only the last year or two that I really ‘got it’ at all… Even so, it has been a Lent unlike any other.

Firstly, I chose to give up treats and they’ve been everywhere! I don’t think I’ve ever had this many treats around me (except at home) when it’s not Lent! There was a reception every week after our faith study sessions, a baby shower, a lady with starbucks samples at chapters…

And then shortly after I stepped off seriously into this journey to Texas, I was hit with weekend after weekend of flus and colds both myself, and my family as well. There was one weekend out of about 6 now that I have not been feeling sick in some way, and several of those weeks have been sick enough to be I bed.

The colds and coughs are still lingering over most of us, and even though we’re feeling better the house, our routine and our overall morale have all been taking a hit.

I’m not asking for pity, I’m mostly writing and posting this as a reference mostly for myself as to what was going on in my life, my mind and my heart during this time. I would however be grateful for prayers. That said, I also know that there is meant to be a resurrection for every crucifixion… I believe once Easter comes it will be a time of great joy and celebration, especially with the trip to Texas etc, so I am really excited to celebrate this year, and to see what God has in store for the next few months!

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Here are is my usual friday quick take gift list. It’s like a look and find puzzle this week because there’s several big news items hidden in these gifts 🙂

Fri Nov 9
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The quiver of a spider on a moving web.
Teaching our first lesson of Seton Pre-K Religion. The kids largely paying attention and even asking questions 🙂
My big son closing his eyes with a smile, thinking of God, as I explain how we can talk to Him
Learning something I didn’t know on p 6 of my kids pre-k religion book!
My big son freely closing his eyes to say his grace at lunch!
His utter fascination with a Christian girl on youtube and her song cover
My kids excited about praise music – ‘It’s all things possible, sweet! Mom, it’s all things possible!‘
baby looking very suave with the top hat
A Family drum session on the bathroom door
Praying with power, even in the car!
Coming home to an old friendly welcome at confession
Starry ceiling over my front door/entrance/porch

Sat Nov 10
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-woah moment, daddy joining us for the rosary on the couch and even joining in the prayer for a moment!
– breathtaking skyscapes
-puddles-filled tire tracks – tire track puddles reflecting in the open sky
-patches of light
-the lines where sun meets shadow
– Date afternoon – a trip for two to the valley and going for a test-drive together.
-sitting in a dealership office with DH, 5 years later and a little wiser
-Providence – DH: ‘Can’t believe we got this deal…(exactly what we wanted and almost too good to be true etc)’ (Hey, not to get to faith-y about it, but I find that when the timing is right, things just have a way of working out. 🙂
-hope at the window
-the clink of my ring when my hand shakes in prayer
-a booth full of educational books at the Christmas craft fair
-a nice evening of shopping with DMIL and the baby
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Sun Nov 11
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Being the blessing – making brunch for my mom
Sharing my favorite movie (based on a favorite childhood story) with my Mom

Mon Nov 12
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The kids and I all going camera crazy together
-Wisdom from Dr Seuss- God speaks to me through a children’s book
-my 4 yr old putting daddy (and his atheism) on the spot by asking him out of the blue if he knows God
-the power of the sun, both of them. (the sun drying my diapers and the Son redeeming and transforming our lives).
-A place for everything (and everything in its place)
-A very productive day bringing order out of chaos
-Treasure in the mismatched sock box: 13 complete pairs!

Tues Nov 13
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-fluffy white clouds behind tree branches
-droplet ring around the base of my coffee cup
-hashing out some more faith discussion with my MIL
-soft sound of soap bubbles
-shimmer of suds popping randomly
-the graces You poured out on me tonight , to put my commitment into action– doing the dishes/kitchen though way past tired and cranky – I couldn’t have made that sacrifice w/o You.

Wed Nov 14

-Thank You that actions speak louder than words. My words lacked grace last night, but by your grace my actions told a different story. The kitchen is clean, usually I would have given up in frustration when DH wouldn’t help and would have left it for morning.
-I get to be with You, and receive You today, it’s a good day 🙂
-baby’s messy wet hair and little trusting eyes looking up at me from his carseat
-a dear priest saying our mass again today
-my oldest showing promise of actually behaving at church even when his brother wasn’t
-tuna wraps
-a nice mellow laid back day at playgroup
-painting a Christmas igloo
-Thank you that I’m not a mail carrier or a garbage man, and I get to be a mom indoors today!
-treasure in a chocolate tin – discovering cherished dolls and their clothes etc that I had thought were lost somewhere
-A treasure tin of craft supplies: 6 colors of glitter, a container of sequins, and googly eyes. My childhood self is very happy 🙂
Order in my cupboard and on my counter, just from a few plastic baskets.
Baby’s tentative little steps all across the room
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Thurs Nov 15
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-My son, easily reading his rhyming card words right off the bat, without even making the words with the letters. And reading correctly, even though the words were harder: gate and skate had the different vowel sound. 🙂
-reward for even the smallest faithfulness: WHAT A DIFFERENCE when I purposefully stop whatever I’m doing for the next task now I’m finally largely on schedule again! The afternoon is going really well!
-Time when I honor my commitment to God. (keep the routine)
-my square cupholder, holding one last chocolate milk carton.
-clean laundry put away in drawers
-a tidy main house
-the feast that awaits
-the gift of sharing my testimony again
-surprise gift of blessed items, the weapon for my goliath
-a long blessed conversation with my co-leader after the study

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Aaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s felt like one of those crazy weeks so this so my quick takes this week is going to be pretty short, and probably not that sweet. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

1. It seems that the routine isn’t working anymore – again. I really thought I had something that was at least mostly going to last. I find myself wondering how on earth the Mom who wrote A other’s Rule of Life could have a schedule that was virtually unchanged for a YEAR and still have it fit all their lives. I am still working (or looking) to implement parts of mine and already some of the old things are no longer a good fit! Agh!

Here’s a few of the reasons why it’s not been working this week:

1 reason is that the dishwasher has to get run and emptied before bed, and not left full for morning! The other big thing that has been tripping me up has been my morning prayer time. Lately it has started to feel more life-sapping than life-giving, and that is a problem. I’ve been feeling really tired and finding it difficult to focus. As a result, I’ve found that I either go through the prayers blindly without feeling it – or I feel very close to God but I end up staying out there for 30 minutes or more, to the detriment of the rest of my morning routine.

Furthermore, I have a habit of praying outside on the deck because I have always felt closest to God in nature but now the mornings are also getting pretty chilly and after about 5 minutes I start to shiver and then I start to lose whatever early-morning focus I had. It’s feeling like I need to start making a winter plan for morning prayer, but I don’t know how much alone time I will get shutting myself in another room away from the kids. I am trying out some modifications today to see if things can flow a bit more smoothly but it’s driving me crazy that I can never settle on one consistent plan.

2. And of course, when things stop working well I feel I need to figure it out NOW and usually end up wasting so much time trying to figure out a new schedule that I get way off the one I have :S Yes I’m probably trying to reinvent the wheel. No, the irony is not lost on me.

3. Yes, the house has been cleaner….

4. But, angst!!! I guess it’s just not where I want it yet and I need to be patient with myself as I continue to learn. But then, even when things are going well I still find myself preoccupied by so many things that aren’t working or aren’t getting done and still need to be taken care of!!!

5. Then finally, when I stepped back from it all and stopped trying to fix everything RIGHT NOW, God spoke some sense into me: ‘Stop trying to do this without Me. ’ Duh!! The good changes I have been making and the routine I have built; it all came from Him. He is the one that challenged me to make some changes and He is the one who has helped get my life to where it is today. Why on earth did I try to figure it out without Him?!?!?! He knows me better than I know myself and He know EXACTLY what will work perfectly for me!

When things aren’t working for us, we can trust Him to work it out.

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Sometimes it’s good to know that God is in control, and that we don’t have to be.

6. Here are some good things that happened this week:

I did get the new sticker decals ordered for the 50s kitchen, so I will soon be able to finish that up and move it out of my kitchen and into the kids’ room.

I also finally got the pre-K homeschooling books and such I’d been wanting ordered. I think it was something with DH’s opinion and the fact that it invoked a little bit of money that caused me to keep putting it off. I think I was maybe hoping that I would magically decide I didn’t need them so as to keep him happier by not spending the money but I was getting frustrated trying to plan out lessons especially when it comes to the faith component.
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And lastly, I finally got the chance to put up my fall decorations. Usually I’m all about the new season and setting the tone in my home with seasonal accent, but this time I think because I felt decorating had to involve the added task of organizing all my decorations and then finding a permanently place for them in the cupboards that I put it off. One night this week the perfect circumstances finally coincided and I had the time, energy and lack of interruptions that I needed – all at the same time.
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7. And one more good thing, it really looks like we’ve finally found a group of kids that we can see regularly, consistently, DAILY. There is a lady who we actually know from wednesday playgroup who watches several kids in her home each day and loves to have company like I do. Her door is always open; there’s lots of kids, lots of food, lots of craft projects, 4 adorable kittens and plenty of love.

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