7 Quick Takes – Old Family Photos and a Book

I’m sitting at the computer with nothing better to do so I thought I’d draft up my quick takes post for tomorrow. Jumper photos to follow.

1. Right now my toddler is asleep because he’s sick, I can’t read the book I’ve been reading because I gave it to DH to read some parts, I can’t do my schoolwork because I already did what I could and I’m waiting on a classmate (or DH if that falls through). So I’ve been working on pictures and even though I really want to get caught up on those, I don’t want to neglect my blog either.

2. I mentioned a book I’m reading in #1. I haven’t actually been reading a book since the summer, but this one is really good. It’s also technically due back at the library Saturday, giving me the added push to start in on it that I think I needed. I’ve been having to make it a priority over pictures when I have it. (Right now DH is reading it downstairs but it will benefit him too. If he understands my motivation, even agrees with it he’ll be better able to support it. He tends to question me when I bring these sorts of thing up. He wonders where I got the info, how credible the source is, etc. This time I thought it would be better if he reads it for himself. )

The book itself will undoubtedly inspire at least one future post, if only so I can record the information I ma6y want to refer back to when my kids are older. The book is about the innate differences between boys and girls, with regard to learning and development. It is geared towards both parents and teachers. I highly recommend it for both.

3. This week (tues?) we put baby in the jumper for the first time. He really dislikes lying down and prefers to look at the world upright and head on so DMIL thought maybe it would make him happier to spend some time in it. She were right. Once I got it adjusted to the right height (it was last used by a bigger toddler) he was quite content. He didn’t really jump but he did use it to stand a few times, and when he discovered he could turn when he pushed on the ground he gave a couple big smiles.

4. On Wednesday my Friend F and I got together (She is 1 half of the couple friends). First I picked her up at the bus stop and drove her in to my school. I had to go to a class before I could socialize, so she watched the baby while I was there. (I could have left him at home but then she wouldn’t have gotten to see him). He started waking up about 10 min after I left them, but was content just to sit there for a while, and when he did finally ask to get up he lay calmly on the couch and watched the people go by. He even gave her a few smiles When my class was out I met back up with them on the couch, fed baby and then we headed to the mall. We weren’t going to buy anything (although I did get 1 4×6 photo developed that I’d forgotten 2 nights before. We walked around upstairs and down drinking smoothies and talking. It was a nice way to spend the afternoon.

5. It looks like we won’t be moving anytime soon. DMIL doesn’t really have a problem with us staying longer, and once DFIL is retired in a month we will have the house to ourselves a lot more, especially over the summer. There’s not much sense in moving away from town while I’m still taking classes. I was going to do several online, but I would much rather sit with classmates and listen to a real teacher than read everything on the computer. I have a plan now to be able to graduate at the end of next winter. I dropped Operating Systems (the tough course) and will take it in the summer when the requirements are less demanding. The other benefit to waiting a year is that we have mro time to save up a down payment. As a result we may have a bit more money to spare and can possibly get a house closer to the city.

6. I still haven’t heard anything back from the playdate I met. I left her a couple messages and still haven’t gotten anyone on the other line since last week. It’s really disappointing.

7.

A couple months ago my mom and I ran into an old acquaintance of my father. He said he would love a photo of him to put on his website, because he was influential in his education decisions or something. On Monday I finally remembered and sent off a photo. I feel good about finally providing that little bit of happiness, and it was nice to look though a couple old photos to refresh my memory etc. This is where he put the photo.

Old Photos

That’s me in the highchair!

This is me too..

In my files I also found a copy of a photo that I thought was lost forever in grade 11 (or maybe it is a different take from the same day mom?). It is probably my favorite photo of him, at least that I’ve seen etc…

PS: If anyone can teach me how to embed my photos in the paragraphs I would really appreciate it.

Photo Update – January

As I’m still forging through a backlog of photos, here are some of the ones I found that I wanted to share. I am now about 2 weeks behind, better than a month but I need to get caught up so I can stop obsessing about it when I’m not at the computer!

Sunday Peas




Sunday Musings
You know your team isn’t having a good season when…

Computer Chair

Sled Hill

Winter Walk
The sled hill

Randoms

My toddler has started having picnics on the living room floor

The baby already wants to stand up! He started doing that by 1 month.

Getting Up on the Right Side of the Bed

This morning I feel happy. It could be because I feel like a kid looking out the window at an unexpected blizzard (but I don’t want school to be cancelled). It could be because I think the school stress is behind me now. It could be the break-through I made last night with regard to the playdate (the first time there was anyone on the other end of the phone!) I think this is why I feel like I can go back to feeling normal around the CCO people again (and there is a Summit tonight ) I was going to check in with God re-dropping the course but from the peace I have about everything this morning, it seems I already have my answer.

I am up early and for the first time in forever I don’t feel tired. The baby was beaming at me as I pumped. All I know is I’m feeling very content and grateful, and I haven’t felt that way in a while (I was grateful for the CCO event last Friday after finally putting the assignment behind me, but I hadn’t really put it behind me…)

7 Quick Takes – Playdate Hopefuls and Hopes for Less School Stress

1. A few weeks ago this phrase came up during the first reading and it had both me and my brother giggling and puzzling over the meaning:

A multitude of camels shall cover you.

I’ve heard of raining cats and dogs but…

2. I never got to see Ali last week because she and her bf were both feeling sick. I called her on Sunday afternoon and found out that she now has a job (!) so she’s not free on weekdays anymore. As a result, we have tentatively rescheduled (again!) for this Saturday. Crossing my fingers and I will check in with her later today.

3. I ‘picked someone up’ while we were at a restaurant Saturday night . I came home with a phone number I’m talking about a contact for a playdate (sorry, I couldn’t resist making you think!). She is young like me and has a 21 month old little girl. I am very excited, I have a couple playdate contacts but ‘business has been slow.’ -although this past week I wouldn’t have had time for a playdate, but I do not intend to repeat that sort of schedule for the rest of term, it will kill me. Since one way or another I have to squeeze in some other activities anyway, I might as well start a mommy friendship.

4. DH said calling her that night was a bit too eager (lol) so I waited until Sunday afternoon. I’ve tried her every day but usually around the same time, and still haven’t been able to catch her. I did leave a message on Wednesday, but as yet no reply. Still holding out hope on this one….

5. Somehow amidst all the stress with school, I have managed to get through a few more photos. Here are the ones I thought worth sharing:

A couple photos from the Christmas Holidays (these are not Christmas photos, those will follow later in their own post)

Snow in the back yard

Bathtime for 2!

6. On Thursday I ended up going back into school to try to work on my next big assignment. This time I took the baby with me. I had packed lots of diapers a change of clothes, and a couple toys to help keep him happy without being held. I didn’t need any of it, he slept pretty much the entire time I was trying to work. I didn’t get very far. This time I was stumping TAs left and right with my problems and in the end after only writing a tiny bit and after a while I still couldn’t get that part working correctly. This caused me to rethink my options, and I’m seriously considering dropping the course this term, and taking it with a different professor in the summer, when the workload should be much more manageable.

I feel like I’m taking the easy way out. It’s a fine line between doing it the hard way because it’s God’s way and getting overloaded, but if the last 2 weeks are any indication then I am definitely leaning towards the overloaded category. Yesterday I got very upset over something I had already deemed to be a little thing and not worthy of so much frustration, a definite sign that I am both stressed and overtired, and I’m not even worrying about the assignment at the moment.

When I started considering this other option, I decided I’m not even going to think about the assignment until the prof is back on Monday. There is no point stressing over it this weekend when I may not continue in the class. It’s possible that even if he does mention lessening the workload that I will drop it, because it’s hard to say how much easier he would make it. But by 3rd year I should be able to largely do all my assignments on my own. I was able to do the one for my last course at home by myself without a problem, but these assignments I can’t. The professor really expects a LOT of us in these assignments, even compared to what other students had to do in the same class with a different professor. And I haven’t been keeping up with my friends the way ‘d like to either, because I didn’t think I could take the time. I was working at building a friendship before Christmas and haven’t seen her for almost a month now.

I’m going to take the weekend to think about it, give God the chance to guide me (especially at the Summit tonight) and talk to my mom who is paying for it. Then on Monday, if the professor doesn’t mention anything about the workload letting up a bit (having had our first assignment submissions for over a week) then I will probably drop the course. Monday is the next day he will be back to teach us and one of the course dropping deadlines.

7. Dropping the course would have many benefits, aside from lifting a lot of stress (making for a happier Mommy who can better show love to the people around her). For one, I won’t be taking long days at school away from the baby and thus hurting my milk supply since I don’t really want to pump when I’m there. It will also mean I can stop spending money on bus tickets. I would only be at school each day for an hour so I could use a 2hr parking spot. The other class is also on a different part of campus where I think my chances of finding parking, within reasonable walking distance of class, are significantly higher.

Coming Home to an Empty House

Friday evening I finally handed in my assignment and left, 20 minutes before the deadline. The sun was going down but it wasn’t dark yet. I was just borderline on time for not being out after dark alone. I took a few pictures while I waited for the bus, there was still a pretty coating of snow on the houses and the sunset was also rather pretty. Right after I took a picture I found an older man standing right next to me (hadn’t been there when I went to take the photo). Already was already getting a bit of the heebie jeebies (how do you spell THAT?) because it was getting dark and I’m always a bit uneasy when I‘m alone. Then the man asked me if he could look through it for a moment. It just set off a flag for me so I said no. I pictured him running off with it as soon as he got it out of my hands. So I bravely said no. He asked, ‘I can’t look?’ and I said no sorry. And he walked away. After that I felt a bit bad, but it was merely self preservation. Of course I’d have let Jesus look through my camera if He’d asked. It was just really odd.

The bus came and I got on. As usual there was standing room only, but for one stop I got to ride right up front holding onto the bar. It felt a bit like floating up the middle of the road. It was neat riding like that into the sunset.

I was just drained etc as I rode the bus to where I had parked. After I had gotten a seat I decided to pull out the little prayer book in my purse. Remembering a similar story our former priest told us (before he went to Rome) I decided to open the book to a random page, and of course the Lord guided me to just the right one. This is what I saw:

‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden.’ Perfect.

When I got to where the car was parked it was already twilight. As I drove away and Nichole Nordeman’s ‘Finally Free’ floated through the speakers I was ready to finally relax and put it all behind me. The music soothed my weary soul.
When I got home I wanted nothing more than to hold my kids close and to be able to sit and play, without having to worry about test files, segmentation faults and null pointers. And as I watched my veggie tortellini in the microwave (thank you DMIL it was a Friday and I had no idea what to do for supper but I was starving) my toddler came over and hugged my leg. He didn’t seem to want to let go either. It completely melted my heart.

I devoted the next 20 minutes or so to playing with him, before I went out again. At least, at the end of such a stressful week I had had a CCO Friday event to look forward to. This time it was the Hub, their monthly speaker event. I got back in the car with the baby this time, and drove to pick up DH, who then took over driving. As I walked in to see familiar faces it was like coming home after a hard day of work, only for me it had been a week. There was the feeling of all my stress already lifting, because I knew the day would only get better from there. And it did get somewhat better, but it wasn’t as good as the other times.

The speaker talked about how he’s been flying around for the last week or so, barely sleeping. He said every time he was talking to one of the CCO staff this week there would be something to stop his train of thought and he would just hit a wall. He asked if anyone has ever experienced that feeling. I’d hit several in the last week and a half so I eagerly raised my hand. It was just nice to know that at that moment, someone else felt how I did too.

His talk was on God’s love, especially how He died to set us free. The speaker also made the analogy http://www.conversiondiary.com/ used, God=Love. He said everyone is looking for love. God is love, so everyone is looking for God, whether they realize it or not. Afterwards when we were all socializing one of the girls said this to me as we watched the sleeping baby and I thought it was such a cute notion: She said she thinks God watches over all of us when we sleep and says awwwww.

For some reason a good number of the staffers etc asked me what I thought of the talk. To me it seemed that they thought I was one that had never heard it, and sort of expected me to be really excited or something by it. It was a good talk but I had heard it before, and while it’s always good to hear again, it just wasn’t a big deal to me. After looking back on how far I’ve come and that feeling of being part of their world as I watched them during mission week, it was a bit like I wasn’t part of it afterall, and it made me a little sad.

And in crowds like that it’s common, but any time I hear people I’d like to spend time with talking about getting together with each other it brings up the old feelings from high school of being left out. It makes me sad that even CCO people can do that I want to be actual friends with them…not just friendly, especially with the ones who have kids. I want to see them outside of the CCO setting.

The building closed at 10 and when I got outside most were still gathered talking. So I went over to join them. They were talking about going out somewhere, and after the week I’d had I would have been happy to go too. I said I’d like to if I could get a ride, but it didn’t sound like it would happen, and then when I called o tell DH he had already left. Of course it wouldn’t be all that sensible of me, especially with the baby along, but I long for more social interaction, again, a lingering thing from High School. (The feeling may also be due in part to the fact that I barley saw DH all week, and he was out when I got home Friday, and would be working a night shift Saturday, causing me not to really see him much until Monday. )
When I gave the girl back her phone everyone else had disbanded and I was left alone to wait in the semi-warm entryway.

In the end I was left wanting more, instead of feeling happy and grateful. When DH arrived to pick us up his kindness and concern reduced me to tears. It wasn’t just the evening of course, but pent up frustration about the whole week and I was overtired too, I crashed. This is why I say I can’t put myself through that again, I’d be doing it every week till the end of term and that would kill me (and I still wouldn’t finish my assignment). I’ve got to find a balance.

7 Quick Takes: The Assignment-from-Hell Edition.

Besides this assignment there really has been nothing else on my mind this week, though I hate to have to dedicate this Quick Takes to that fallen comrade enemy. I hope Jen won’t min that I decided to use her strikeout technique to get out some lingering frustration. (I may have a picture or 2 to add eventually but I haven’t had time to take that many this week).

1. This week as last, I have been consumed and overwhelmed with a certain programming assignment. Unlike an essay or a report, you can put hours of work into writing a particular piece of code, change 1 or 2 things thinking it will improve it, and bam, it’s broken and a real bugger to fix. By the day it was due I could barely look at it anymore, my brain was so fried.

So much time I spent on it, how many days I left both kids at home and slaved away at the computers in the learning center. How DH and I stayed up a couple hours 2 nights, trying to fix it. In the end I ended had up breaking it somewhat, and I could never get it back to where it was almost working. I put absolutely everything I had into that assignment. Over 25 hours of work and in the end I didn’t come close to finishing it. I never got part 1 working, and as a result never started part 3 (worth the same as part 1). I did what I could with the rest of the requirements to try to get points where I could and at the end of the day I just had to hand it in unfinished and walk away.

All I can hope is that the professor will cut us all some slack (a number of people I talked to also struggled with it) and next time he won’t expect quite so much of us. That, and that DH an I can sit down together to work on the next 1. This should be no danger to academic integrity; he’s not in the class. Plus I intend to be the one typing etc, with a bit of guidance for the logic aspect. That way perhaps I can avoid some error and headaches, and he will also know the code better to help me find errors later on.

2. On having to go to school to work on homework on a Sunday
I was not particularly worried about it but I was wondering if it was considered sinful to have to go to school and work on homework for 4+ hours on Sunday afternoon. Apparently that’s a factor of where I am in life and not considered servile work at all so I don’t have to feel guilty about doing it, but I can’t justify it as an excuse in the future either.

3. Thurs – 1. On getting help with assignments.
Wed night DH helped me with my code. We’re supposed to be doing things on our own but he isn’t in the class so it’s not exactly unethical. Thing is it would have been much easier for him if he was somewhat part of the code writing process, so he would better understand it when he came to helping me get the bugs out. But then it seems less like my own work… My mom laid it out Thursday morning when I dropped the baby off to go to school to work. She said to get as much help as I need to finish my assignments etc, and understand the material. That makes sense… I’m trying to apply that as I get a little help with the other assignment as well.

4. Proof of just how ‘out of it’ I was
Friday evening (30 min before the deadline)I went to print my assignment, pulled the sheets of paper out of my notebook and started printing. 3 sheets in I noticed black writing showing through from the other side… I tried to print my assignment out on my stapled networking handout. I had to cancel the job to save my notes so then I had to resend it.

5. On why I am putting myself through hell taking two classes this term.
Certainly I wouldn’t trade my experience at school so far (it led me to CCO!), but I am not the same person I was when I started. All the time I’ve had to spend away from the kids has had me wondering if I’m doing the right thing by finishing my degree, when my classes take me away from them. I am ultimately doing it because I feel God wants me to. I don’t have much peace about doing it, but I don’t have peace at the thought of not finishing either. I’ve had a couple thoughts:

6. Possible Reason 1
Here’s some possible justification for God to want me to finish my degree…. I found this on Light and Momentary this afternoon.
“One of the things I love about this prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas is its recognition that God who is omniscient as well as all-holy calls us out of both ignorance and sin — that we can honor God through learning about the world he has made. “

7. The other thought was that school is deepening my love and appreciation of my kids. When I came home yesterday evening after slaving away over that stupid assignment, I wanted nothing more than to hold my kids close and to be able to sit and play, without having to worry about test files, segmentation faults and null pointers. And as I watched my veggie tortellini in the microwave (thank you DMIL it was a Friday and I had no idea what to do for supper but I was starving) my toddler came over and hugged my leg. He didn’t seem to want to let go either. It completely melted my heart.

Winter Beauty

Today it was absolutely gorgeous outside. There was a fresh bright coating of powdery snow over everything. As I made my way to school to work on my homework I was kicking myself every 30 seconds for not bringing my camera (I don’t like to go anywhere without it but I don’t like to carry it on the bus). Not that I had time to take pictures since I was already a lot later than I intended to be, and I had 2 assignments to work on.

The next day when I went to school I made sure to bring my camera, and stop whenever I felt the need to take pictures:

So I stopped on the highway

When I got off the bus I walked the same route I had the day before. Yesterday the computer science building windows were reflecting puffy white clouds and brilliant blue skies and I was lucky enough to have the same weather. I don’t think it’s quite as beautiful as it was yesterday, but I still think I captured the feel of it:

And here is an example of a cute house with a dusting of winter:

Steubenville Launch Party

On Friday evening I went to the Steubenvile Launch Party. When I was 19 I first heard about the these conferences, but I was too old to go as a youth and too young and immature in my faith to go as a chaperone. Ever since I heard about it I’ve been wanting to go, and I still hope I can, maybe in a few years, maybe when my kids attend someday. (CCO’s rise up is similar and though I couldn’t go this year with a new little baby, I hope that maybe next year I can. They are talking about taking a bus to Montreal this time, instead of everyone having to fly their own way etc. Anyway I’m getting sidetracked.)

I never made it to the launch party last year, I think because my brother wasn’t going but from now on I will be there each year. I went this year because CCO was advertising it, and many of them were there as well. One of my old teachers was also there with her kids. My teacher was telling her son to behave (he’s about 12) and he was rolling her eyes. We exchanged a look and I joked, ‘so about 10 years?’ The mother next to her had brought her daughter and during one of the songs the mom was dancing and doing the actions. She was really enjoying herself and also enjoying the eye rolls coming from her daughter . I am allowed to laugh to, now that I’m a mom

The music was good but the talk was even better. They had flown in Bob Rice, one of the professors at the Franciscan University in Steubenville, where it all started.

On the launch party site it says the following about him:
Bob Rice desires to share the love of God using every talent he has been blessed with. He is an Associate Professor of Catechetics at Franciscan University of Steubenville, Ohio, and he ministers to over ten thousand people each year through hosting conferences, giving talks, teaching workshops, leading worship, and performing original music. Bob’s creative use of humor, personal stories, and extensive knowledge of the Faith have made him an internationally sought after speaker for people of all ages. He lives in Steubenville with his wife Jennifer and 5 kids. The children of the world sing songs about him and woodland creatures eat from his hand. Yes, he’s that good.

He sang a few songs including one of his own (I picked up a CD), then he started his talk. He is a very dynamic and entertaining speaker. First he talked about Jesus and how significant he was and then used a story from the Gospel to illustrate his point.

He proclaimed, ‘no one in history has ever been more significant. No one has ever had more songs written for him, or more books written about him. Jesus was so significant that we renamed time after him (we speak of the past in terms of BC or AD).

Then in his own words he told us the gospel reading about the paralyzed man, whose friends lowered him through the roof to see Jesus. I’m attempting to summarize here:
There were 4 guys carrying their paralyzed friend on a stretcher and they went to see Jesus. When they got there the house where he was speaking was completely packed. The people in the house would have said we were crammed like sardines. We don’t know what those are yet, but when they’re invented we will have been crammed like them. There was nowhere for the men to enter.

Then one f the guys was like, ‘dude! Let’s go through the roof!’ The paralyzed man: Uhhh… I don’t think that’s a good idea guys… Really, I’ve got time, I can wait another 2 hours, I’m not going anywhere. But his pleas were ignored, and the 4 men climbed up with him onto the roof. Then the guys had to find where in the house Jesus was. Hey would take part of the roof off, nope, not there. Bits of the roof were probably falling in around them, Jesus would probably add something like ‘watch out for the roof’ during his speech. And Jesus, some people think of him as a peace loving 60s guy, “peace man, I love you and I love you, I love everybody. Come on, group hug!. Can you find me in nature?” but he wouldn’t have be saying that, he would have been telling them all how awesome the kingdom f God is.

And then all of a sudden the roof over his head is lifted up and some guy on a stretcher is lowered down. Imagine the point of view of the paralyzed man. He probably felt pretty awkward, “uh… Hi guys. I’d wave, but….” Then seeing their faith, Jesus said, your sins are forgiven. It was the faith of the 4 men that brought the guy here, that caused him to forgive the sins of their friend. This guy had some pretty awesome friends. So Jesus forgives the guys sins and the crowd is probably saying “and….?” Some guy might have whispered, “psst, Jesus. He’s paralyzed.” *does imitation*. Then Jesus asks them which is harder to do, to cure a paralyzed man or to forgive sins, which only God can do. But since you question me I will prove that I am He, and he told the man to get up, pick up his mat and leave. And he did.

I had to really paraphrase the last part because I don’t have the reading in front of me. It was just the way bob told the story we’ve heard so many times. It gives it s much more meaning, it makes it real to us, well to me anyway.
Bob finished by proclaiming the kingdom of God himself. Every time I hear anyone talk about God and his Kingdom with http://starrball.wordpress.com/2009/09/23/cco-fall-retreat-sept-11-13/, I can’t help but believe. That kind of conviction demands faith. And it fills me with joy because I know they’re right. To quote Bob, “God is real people! And He has so much more to give us than we can ever imagine!”

My Thoughts on University this Term

On the topic of school, it’s going alright. I’ve told everyone and their dog about my beefs with Dal:

1. According to academic advising I was supposed to be able to graduate after this term but an audit of my degree says I need an additional 3 classes, two CS electives (probably hard) and a free elective as well. Re the free elective, I’ve already taken everything else I’m interested in, which brings me to 2)

2. I can’t take photography for my free elective. I looked through the courses and Dalhousie doesn’t offer photography… No matter, I’ll find a course somewhere else and count that as my free elective, after all, it’s free and should be anything of my choosing. I find a great course so I ask the transfer credit office if I can count it as my elective. They said no, because Dalhousie doesn’t offer photography. Hello, that’s why I went looking somewhere else in the first place!!!

3. I am 1 class short of a U-Pass (university-paid bus pass) but I can’t possibly take on another course. There is nowhere good to park for 2 hours at school so I have taken to parking at the mall and bussing the rest of the way. However, each bus ticket is almost $2 worth. I wish I didn’t have that extra expense but I hate parking and bussing from the mall is the lesser evil (bussing from home at the moment is a greater one as well).

These 3 factors combined, I’m quickly losing interest in finishing my degree, something that I think would disappoint me as well as my mom. But you have to do what works for you and at this point I’m not sure finishing my degree is going to work for me.

Overall though, I do like my classes this term. I find the material in both quite interesting – it’s neat hearing how my computer really works beyond the hardware, and it’s neat finally learning just how the internet works too. I’m also having answers in class so that feels good.

The problem comes with the programming. Programming is kind of fun when it works, but when it doesn’t it can be very frustrating for me and it takes me a long time to do those assignments (I used to spend several long days in the Learning Center where I could get help as needed, and even then sometimes I didn’t always finish).

I have assignments in both classes due next week, the networking one due before the programming one which bugs me because I will have to take time out from programming to do the other assignment. (The prof’s solution is 300 lines of code which means mine will be longer, I never do things the most efficient way, I just don’t have the aptitude for it. I did my first start on the programming last Saturday. In 2 hrs I got about 15 lines of code out of the 400-500 I will need.) The other assignment I could easily get done over the following weekend, I just wish the dates were reversed.
I had intended to work on both today, so if I had any questions on the one due wed I could ask them on Monday. I may get a small extension on the networking one (till right after the coding one is due). I really should have asked for it sooner I guess. I emailed her this morning to ask. She should understand the kid thing, now I’ll just have to wait and see. I tried to work on the programming one this afternoon and I think I really need to go in to school, but the help center is closed today! It looks like I will have to give up a chunk of my Sunday to work on it but putting this much time into it is really taking a toll on me.

But right now, even if I do get the extension, there is a possibility that I won’t get the coding one completely finished and it’s frustrating. And this is only the first assignment (the easy one) I don’t mind going to the classes but the homework portion is taking me away from my kids and I feel like if this is what it’s like for the entire term I am going to miss out on 2-3 months of their little lives, that I can never get back.

In hindsight, I would have taken a photography course at the community college instead but I had no way of knowing this then. Fresh out of High School I settled on Computer Science because it was interesting to me. Having taken some of the courses and tried my hand at programming, I have since discovered that I am not very good at it. I just don’t have the aptitude for it that my peers do. I did enjoy much of what I learned though and I am getting better at it than I used to be as well, the other day I was actually thinking ahead and avoiding errors I would have made in the past, and then had trouble finding. I still find it interesting and would like to finish my degree, but I’m starting to realize that this may not be the best decision. This one is tough, I would hate to regret it either way.

But, if I can’t finish these courses this term (and I guess I’ll have a feel for that next week) then I don’t think I’m going to finish. It’s all becoming a huge headache and I won’t be putting myself through this again. Also, the credits are only good for 10 years and I’m already on my 6th, so I can’t just put it off for a couple years and then go back to it. I’m not starting over.

As for the future, especially the rest of term I think baby will be going on cereal before bed so I can get the rest I need to think clearly. When I thought about it some more before bed I came to the conclusion that I really do want to finish, if at all possible. For that to happen I have to pass these 2 classes this term. I realize that if I don’t finish I will regret it but I still have to balance finishing with time with my kids (my aim at the moment to feel didn’t waste a day is to give each kid some 1 on 1 time, even if it’s 5 min of talking to the baby). As long as I get that in I’m happy and shouldn’t regret time spent away. So even just for me I do want to finish, I’ve put too much into it to throw that away, I just don’t want it to kill me in the process. It will happen, or it won’t. I’m doing my part by trying not to procrastinate when I have a block of time and putting it in God’s hands as much as I can. I have no other choice, I can’t do it on my own.

An Opportunity to Grow in Love

This morning I got up in a really sour mood. I was frustrated with DH because he woke me up out of a dream for the 3rd morning in a row, this time when he was watching the baby so I could rest and he still had milk to use. I left him and the baby up there after feeding baby and came downstairs to pump the other side. As I walked to the living room, indulging in some not particularly comforting self-pity, I decided to employ some of the advice etc I’d been reading lately, and do the next thing. So I started pumping. As I sat there letting the feelings was over me it was not getting much easier. I was still extremely angry and upset with DH and it wasn’t going away. I know I’m supposed to forgive etc, but it just wasn’t happening.

Then I had another thought and I realized this was an opportunity to put into practice one of my self-improvement ideals (It’s easy to want to do something like this when I’m not currently in such a situation). My thought was, ‘I could offer it up’. This was really tough, but I genuinely managed to do it. I have recently been re-idealizing offering things up (instead of just accepting them which I’m also working on) and I had decided I wanted to do more ‘offering up my sufferings for my husband and kids’, but especially my husband, because at least at present he seems to need it more. Because this was my pre-decided intention-of-choice, I was forced to go in this direction and offer my frustration and my tiredness for DH (with love because I never want him to go to Hell). I was amazed by the result as I not only stopped crying, but the frustration literally melted away. It seems it hasn’t gone 100% as I still keep venting about it (see last paragraph), but I was able to overcome it enough to get on with the day and do other things.